The Moon in Capricorn is like a gifted actress who, after being savaged by the critics because she has a tendency to overact, becomes afraid to show any emotional range at all.
another message
not asleep, not awake: a single word tumbling in the head
loud as my body un/recoils
from fetal p
left to right, left, right
the word like an alarm or commandment
don’t you dare say the word god, don’t you dare even bother
awake now, still
still, my body an S-shape
begging to be called “sweet baby girl”
and can’t remember the meaning of it
starts with “S”
there were three syllables
it’s no use again
the bed, like my head is empty and cold
not asleep, not awake: a single word tumbling in the head
loud as my body un/recoils
from fetal p
left to right, left, right
the word like an alarm or commandment
don’t you dare say the word god, don’t you dare even bother
awake now, still
still, my body an S-shape
begging to be called “sweet baby girl”
and can’t remember the meaning of it
starts with “S”
there were three syllables
it’s no use again
the bed, like my head is empty and cold
time is moving differently
not fast or slow
there is less constriction
to remain in the spell i visit the lake twice a day
noises outside that i cannot recognise
scare me
rattle of crispy moss
frost-flake covered branches shake
like the growl of a wild cat
to remain in the current spell i bake muffins with summer’s fruit
i barter: select memories, big ones
i take a bite: a whole blueberry leaf, i swallow it
the size of a pebble
i long to be alone in the forest
i am longing as i compose the email
i am longing as i empty the dishwasher
not fast or slow
there is less constriction
to remain in the spell i visit the lake twice a day
noises outside that i cannot recognise
scare me
rattle of crispy moss
frost-flake covered branches shake
like the growl of a wild cat
to remain in the current spell i bake muffins with summer’s fruit
i barter: select memories, big ones
i take a bite: a whole blueberry leaf, i swallow it
the size of a pebble
i long to be alone in the forest
i am longing as i compose the email
i am longing as i empty the dishwasher
the yellow light separates
four to six times
in various shades
the hues break
out into shadows
and lines, conformed
or stacked within
triple paned glass
you can hear the wind
the floodlight clicks on, off
then, nothing
the soft hiss of blue
a distant car
the whole forest a fog
droplets of a prayer
a whisper while walking in earshot
of a special i.e. rare moss
growing by the rotted pier
across the lake the rowboat is shiny
bright green patches of forest floor
“who moved these stones?”
“who made these piles?”
“who put them here?”
i am relieved because I know
deep down
the men
whose hands did this work
are long gone
day and night
angels in the tiniest orange horned coral
in a sea of living green
is it hard to give birth and die at the same time?
purge energetics
habits into spontaneous forms
propel themselves
we experience delays as a result
winter months are worse
it’s not even winter
it’s sept.
it’s oct.
nov. comes for blood
dec. i am wench soup under a foam cloud
jan. i am entertaining something, pretending it isn’t wild
feb. you magic
march. you half magic
april. you the trip x4
may i am starting to relax but my body cannot let it go
june i am baby
july wtf
aug bffs 4lyfe
sept. again
if i tell you my DOB would you judge me?
webs start to slack
we are disconnected
you can slide backwards as a means of transforming away
the familiarity is heavy
(three out of the four guests were not artists-in-residence)
there are guests in the house
there is a clog in the pipe, a new smell
a warning?
a signal?
like some animals
nature is always illuminating what is only obvious when you know what you’re looking at
and seeing takes practice
and nature speaks loudly
//
it’s weird how i felt that G and L must have known each other
you tell yourself they have nothing in common
but you didn’t know what you were looking at
until you’ve had some practice
we constantly think we’re getting off trains
//
the other a new friend
you are sure there could have never been both
it was a good choice in the end
but the moment our friendship began was the day I bore witness to three worlds ending:
1. my backyard
two lives were spared one was already recovering an injury that inspired doctors to make horrible promises, the other a child
whittling little field mice out of snow
or were they shrews?
but i’m getting off track:
2. your world
3. the one facing our house
like a bomb dropped
and they did
and they do
and the earth shook
and our plans changed
//
your world:
you told me about
//
i understand what X and i have in common now, which is suddenly obvious but i could not articulate it before the question, still can’t but the picture is coming through
//
my body has been through a lot in this life
we made a pact to negoiate in 2012
another layer of atonement
the to-do list grows
red flags multiply
but it turns out we’ve been talking about god again
//
in a dark room with high ceilings
(i am not being watched)
the room is filled with round tables wearing flowy skirts
turquoise fabric reflects
blue light
take in the gorey scene: cakes dripping in layers
cakes on tables
like towers
but what about your feet: roller-skates
you know what happens next?
a big ‘ol mess
//
i am not a fancy cake
i used to gorge myself
better than the other
two-lettered word
that towered over me
like some, lush and recurring nightmare
it was always hard to tell if you were sliding
backwards or ...
“how did you get cake all over your new roller-skates?”
everyone
who
is
everyone
is
dying
to know
this human body is 92% secret
i’ll tell you one
//
drama queens:
i paid a shaman 250e a month to help me quit reality tv
it helped
for awhile
//
when i was a child my mom would take me to listen to men in white tents
they smelled of cigarettes
why we fell to their feet
was unclear
//
i’ll tell you one
//
drama queens:
i paid a shaman 250e a month to help me quit reality tv
it helped
for awhile
//
when i was a child my mom would take me to listen to men in white tents
they smelled of cigarettes
why we fell to their feet
was unclear
//
lily pads’ skin covering water
bobbing up and down
tiny bugs
at once, your whole party
a swell in midair
is it a total freak out
god’s tongue licked up half the whipped cream
from this cloud over here
take a photo
we have a mundane exchange
we say little of importance but then some memories float to the surface:
public swimming pools
locker room floor mats
corn nuts soggy in their plastic ziplock bag
secret rooms for adults
puddles on the linoleum
chlorine soaked jeans
salted the tips of fingers belonging to small hands
raspberry and sunscreen
visible on your cheek
i could stay here forever
oh death, i bet you feel like summer
bobbing up and down
tiny bugs
at once, your whole party
a swell in midair
is it a total freak out
god’s tongue licked up half the whipped cream
from this cloud over here
take a photo
we have a mundane exchange
we say little of importance but then some memories float to the surface:
public swimming pools
locker room floor mats
corn nuts soggy in their plastic ziplock bag
secret rooms for adults
puddles on the linoleum
chlorine soaked jeans
salted the tips of fingers belonging to small hands
raspberry and sunscreen
visible on your cheek
i could stay here forever
oh death, i bet you feel like summer
i am the leaf bug drowning in the Turkish Yogurt tub
a non-consentual guzzling of red currant
choke berries.
i am the soft moss boot print
encircling what are not
orange blackberries
i am a trickster
and the swamp is my shield
i am the water bird
you hear my song:
it is a total freak out
we have all been transported
look at me on the astral plane
i am the harvest bouquet being
devoured by a cattle of red ants
you remind me that the fish are screaming
i can hear them in my dreams
“tell me more about feeling lost,” she said
“sometimes your hooks and tentacles are one-sided”
i’m offline for the most part these days, but I’m glad you found me.
tethers like squid legs
fly from our chimneys
January, full moon in gemini
“it’s good to see her again”
a testament to doing the line
a sweet spot
a mirror you know you’ve earned
recognition is a full body request
orbital summersaults, snow angels
an old house
filled with daydreams of the dead
snow white sneakers on white feet
to walk on clouds
to move towards …
what’s so great about the light
to enter the dark forest alone
through the longest door
and out the other side
what spit you
but a few hungry and bumbling brown bears
roam and sniff the scraps
//
eating an apple is a chore
like taking the compost bucket for a walk, out back
three bites and she expands
five bites, tummy ache
six, seven, oblivious to the core
//
whenever I floss my teeth I’m remind of old boyfriends
it’s too much, really
//
I’ve been circling the premises for awhile
tracking uneasy like mud through my goddamn house
solar power:
in the morning
before the rain
i went round the yard with a pair of scissors
snipped off hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of dandelion heads to bring back into the house to dry
my feelings are complicated today, but this helps
10 swans a singing:
can I breathe differently?
maybe not yet, but I can feel it coming
when we got back to the house I went for a walk
to move in the change
to see
what else has changed
it rained for days
I haven’t been far
I found the song from earlier, the one where I cried in the parking lot
I found it on Youtube, it wasn’t hard
I chose a version looped for an hour
an anime wedding background
I moved west
and I sang
down the gravel road
I stopped
to watch some great machine swivel in the distance
they looked tired
I collected neon string
a collection
a duty
a tithing
a constant movement
betwixt futility and
something more crass
like these bare hands
a little blood so you won’t forget
I sang
I swung
right at the fork
I see bodies everywhere I go now
In April we tried counting
when we got to 100000000 years we got tired
and so we stopped
it was that easy
we stopped
everyone everywhere all at once
100000000 years we never get back
a jolt:
it’s a good thing
to stare
at the ant hills in the forest
buzzing
crawling
shimmering
a little drool hangs down from the corner of your mouth
the days whiz past
as you stare
until suddenly
each tiny body becomes still
and I find myself returning to this moment
I hold on
for dear life
it’s a good thing
to stare
at the ant hills in the forest
buzzing
crawling
shimmering
a little drool hangs down from the corner of your mouth
the days whiz past
as you stare
until suddenly
each tiny body becomes still
and I find myself returning to this moment
I hold on
for dear life
I’m almost certain my mother faced East at the time of my birth.
a spell i:
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V
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V
guided meditation i:
we’ll begin today by taking a seat
in a comfortable chair
in a chair in a cool room
a little too cool maybe
but there is a blanket waiting for you on the arm of the chair
soft and warm
across from the chair is a window whose view is packed with spruce trees
their arms are waving branches bob and you might laugh to yourself a little
it looks like they’re dancing
as the spruce continue to tower and sway gently, reminding you of a warm breeze, you prepare to close your eyes
taking a deep breath in
you sink deeper into your chair
and on the exhale
you feel your body loosen
you feel the warmth
your body loosens further
and another deep breath in
on the exhale you notice that you’re feeling warm and relaxed
and, relieved
yes, relieved
this is a wonderful feeling
with each breath a loosening
with each exhale: relief
as you continue to breath, eyes closed
you become aware that the horizon surrounding you – beyond this room this chair and this body:
the horizon that surrounds you is a circle and you notice that it begins to spin
is it spinning fast?
slow?
so slow that time has stopped ...
that time moves backwards even?
that time moves backwards and forwards?
your body is so loose now that you don’t mind
you’ve already broken out of this room, out of this chair
you tower over the spruce trees
and you sway gently in the warm breeze
maybe you begin to laugh, because you realize that you are dancing
dancing among the tree tops
when the horizon lets loose and begins to spin
it’s easy to dance without trying
relief has become something new
don’t even try to name it
just feel this new sensation as it flows through your body and back to the world and back to the body and back again
receive this now
and breathe
in April, we made a spell on the name
we stole from the ticket
we stole
we pulled it from the stack
we laughed about this
two witches packed their bags
one stayed behind
I knew the name
Judas
I’d been invited to the farm
I’d watched the kids
I’d made pies with the wife
I’d called the wife a friend
but I didn’t expect
such a terrible thing
in May
Judas’ wife confessed
“our whole world’s been turned upside down”
you told me you tried to move to the country once before, but a witch put a curse on you
you left
all your friends nod, they say this is common
I’ve never known the words I’ve mouthed not once and never again
but every forest is a curse by now
today I was going to wash the sheets and hang them outside
finally the sun was shining
but I was too heartbroken
today I was going to gather arm fulls of mugwort, nettle and yarrow for drying
for steeping
but I was too heartbroken
so I took the bike out
I saw a bird with a curved beak in the big meadow by the barn that collapsed last winter
crying
I rode past that dark bit of forest, the one where we walked down the narrow path that came to an end
below an eagle’s nest
I rode past a road to nowhere
I rode past a road to nowhere
I turned around
I rode past that harsh bit of forest, the one where we saw the bear trap
inside was a small man
crying
so I stopped to check the time
I forgot
I turned around
I woke up to blue skies
it was the first time in June
I didn’t want your help and it didn’t feel right
under the cherry tree
I broke down
my plea, my offering:
six buckets of pine needles, the bottom layer, the black stuff, the best stuff, only for you
scooped up
poured from my hands
transformation on wheels x2
soaking wet, cardboard
a perimeter, a promise
I ate your symbols and gave you a few cold stones I found close by for the damage
we stabbed and raked and scraped and tore the top layer of earth with our bare hands
tiny things were screaming at the top of their lungs from the chaos
but it was no use and it didn’t feel right
“there is still something green inside!”
no grave
no ceremony
and it will have always been worth saving
for me
but I did nothing, but look to you
but it didn’t matter and it doesn’t matter and it never felt right
“it’s dead,” you said
the stain still under my fingernails when you went to bed that night
I danced into the silence and into the light
alone in the other room
with a little bit of something tender green inside
the red compost bucket stood stolidly before the door
it had been emptied earlier in the morning
it had been filled with water from the well, left to steam in the sun
there was a finger-sized crack running down its red lip
impossible not to spill
when she carried it to the back
it splashed her legs, her sandaled feet, the hem of the shirt tied around her waist
the compost bin was a large box made of scrap wood
it had a lid that needed to be propped open with a fat stick
she poured the soup into the big wooden cage and chopped the roughage with a shovel
the handle was broken
watermelon rinds, moldy lemon peels, paper towels, tea bags, coffee grinds
the rusty blade sliced through egg shells and banana peels with ease
she held the shovel’s neck with her left
her right hand hovered where the handle should be
it made contact with the inside of the lid
the fat stick fell into the roughage and the lid slammed shut
her left little finger was bleeding as she walked the empty red bucket back to the house
the sun was hot and the blood ran down like silk
she returned to the morning’s light caresses, the feeling of two bodies sticky in summer’s bed
she thought of cool water washing over her little finger
she didn’t feel any pain
there was only a slight breeze
down the road from TUO TUO
there is a 200-year-old man
he lives in a wooden house
in summer he wears wool socks and eats herring for breakfast, lunch, and dinner
in winter you may see him walking the winding roadside
slow and alone, in knee-high rubber boots
when I was talking with you by the lake today
I had no idea how loud we were
no way of knowing in a place like this
no way of knowing
how many hours went by in the row boat
sun-roasted shoulder blades
floating in wet-warm-soft for days
my legs were sore from rowing
I told you not to try: let it be easy
a seagull shit on the boat from above
it splashed onto my shoulder
and a little on your shoe
we roared
a siren absolute
to an audience of one, from above
the things you should know about me are probably the ones I’ve spent my life trying to hide
my father was my nemesis for most of it and I was his, but we called a truce a few years back and life has been nicer ever since
i was ‘raised’ by a white woman who never drank and a brown man who drank in secret, sometimes, I was with a white man and woman who drank constantly
they are all conservative, they believe their god is the one true god
they believe god has chosen me for greatness and that the devil is inside me, no doubt
the white woman could see my soul was filled with his shadows (the first time i was seven)
i like life best when reading and writing feel like the same thing
i did fine in school, enjoyed it sometimes, but rarely ever made it there and barely made it out
there has been a spoonful of delusion in my mouth for awhile, but I cannot tell you how long
I can tell you, though, that sometimes: it’s gone
the sounds of ice swirling slides ‘round the house
from behind doors, shades drawn to push out summer heat
my favorite daughter is a soft smell from the nightstand beside me
i rest on the floor between its pages
i hide from the sound that loops down the hall and back again
leaflets crash like a delicate waterfall: for the integrity of linen and the crisis of paper
crushed ice in the glass
free jazz on tape
dried petals like skin stick to pizza tins and plastic forks
sewing needles and kitchen shears
sticky ants hurl insults that you or i will never hear
tucked back into our shells we become again and again and again
we shed everywhere and so much so that we will never truly go
backwards to the place we were never not running from
take a deep breath
you know it
you can stay
a fragrant meadow,
my god
do you know how long this peony has been living on my night stand?
since blooming the wings have become softer and a fragrance remains
secrets nurture the vitality of the most quiet creatures
and I try very hard
not to go on stating the obvious
not to devour your crêpe shadows
but your face is pleading: I do not know what you want from me
the cameo belongs to every last one of them, the driver
the backseat of the car is filling up with water now
my body sloshing in the soak, hovering above the scrub
I was not wearing a seatbelt and the driver does not notice
he yells,
absolutely loooooooo-ooooooooooving,
the sound of his own voice,
above the blare: something about low tide
I can’t remember the words to placation’s song,
but we are en route,
my body remembers
the passive state,
en route to the stadium
I worry that the raspberry leaves will mold in their jars
I worry about the oils from MY fingers
I do not dare place the lid
not above any one:
please give them time to dry
for Hanna:
some angel blows cool air on the tops of my hot pedaled feet
horse flies like sticky rice –a front row seat for
the man in the light blue car, swims in the lake
I watch him like a water bird, a mutual stare,
no sound
he hangs a bloodied towel to dry at his station
a fishy smell
a summer smell
the shortest burst in history
In the eighth house I have trouble eating, this is not so much news
to anyone anymore, these days
no trouble drinking and less trouble with drinking on the whole
than before
I can’t find the words anyway, and I do like
my secrets and my stories
double-wides and tent revivals
31 days at “The Ranch, ”
military wife
halfway house
waffle house:
I have the spider veins on my calves to prove it
I have the scars on your thighs to prove it
I have the teenage daughter who scales Mexican rooftops,
her mouth a pouch for steel nails, to prove it
my first encounter with madness was not my first encounter with violence, but it was violent
I saw it coming for years, the first one: age four, age five, age six, age seven, eight, nine
my limbs frozen, she came first in the night, a cold stream blew past me
in the dark room
a recurring theme: supine by the window, drawn blinds cast shadows caging my small body
I tried very hard not to breath
everyday after school, I became lightening
more than this, my prophecies ran backwards
my first encounter with madness met me at my doorstep
an overcast morning
I walked into her arms while the world stood still
in my front yard
an obedient dog took notes from the edge
in hindsight, there were dreams
in hindsight, the pattern would repeat itself: unable to scream, mother fast asleep, and where was brother? in his hospital bed
I still remember exactly what she wearing
*
a bug flew into my left ear as I mulched the cherry tree, the larger one
it burrowed and died there
the nurse, she could not find it
the doctor, she could not find it
the next day the tax officials wrote, offering a task
no change to the ear
my insecurities made themselves known
i made frozen piña coladas with dark rum floaters
i can no longer count the countries on fire with two hands
Perhaps the sight of pastels might trigger a type of new response for you now, a bodily l.
Aversion maybe.
This feeling arrives, suitcase in hand, packed with information: when you get down to the core of the sublime, it's about terror.
Solve et coagula (dissolving and bonding): the reunion of what has disintegrated at a new level.
Bringing the things we have not resolved to the surface and purifying them in our higher self.
This can sometimes be a challenging process but it enables us to temper out nature and find balance or the ‘middle way’.
Wash then sterilize all your equipment with boiling water. It’s very important to use clean hands and clean equipment. Avoid metal
There are viewing platforms where visitors may gape at the chasm.
A chasm a mile long.
See you.
Before long.
Since we started this project we've been changing so much we are still..., I wonder if this is how lots of people feel, I wonder if this is "normal."
Writing is becoming more difficult because I'm taking in so more, much more "dynamic content" than I have time to spend on writing. Time to spend. How vulgar. Recently, I rewatched the 1990 film Safe.
Not just because my skin is glow-in-the-dark white. A phantom.
I think about how Oatly really missed a cultural cash in with that one. Too many glasses of milk (THE MAID HAD TO GET FOR HER), the hypersensitivity of invisible tuoteet (things).
I take more naps now, I've been in a series of spiritual bike accidents.
This light body is banged up.
I know there is this Disney movie where someone sings "Let it go oooooooooooo..."
In year one,
I slept with fresh cut lilacs by the bed.
On the night before the full moon in Sagittarius I made room for all of the things I did not yet understand.
I stopped reading when I lost G. But not entirely.
I didn't stop writing but the words stopped being read, been reading stars and cards and plants instead.
But J reads aloud and I would like more of this, I'm going to ask for more.
That was a dream, of course.
The most important things I always learn in my sleep.
Never in the city. This is a place where nightmares and rhythms collide.
Here, there is at least the potential to harmonize.
Reading and writing feel the same
Dreaming and waking feel the same
Living and dying …
I scream into the night:
SPIRIT OF THE TIMES, SHOW YOURSELF
spirit of the times,
(take me with you)
it was the beginning of august and the forest was beginning to crumble from drought
paced in thirst, gaze held low to the brittle moss
your poetry tumbled somewhere beneath the ground or solar plexus
my feet machine and clumsy with staccato
a sharp clear smell, a quiet spell of later how we identify the sacrifice:
i turn and turn into an itch
to look up to find oneself surrounded
by martyrs
or victims or saints, angels, definitely
like small child i hold onto your waist and cry ‘don’t go’
i whisper prayers into the blueberries lush somehow at your base
a cradle of giants a cradle for saints
i will visit you and i will love you throughout your life slowly dying
like me
we will never really know:
who did this
and what is surviving this even for?
dear zookeeper,
dear moose hunter,
dear woodcutter,
we have found your lacquered ticket & your ancient sextant
we have hung it on the wall
it points north
it points to sky
it points everywhere
it points to
your very own: slow death
hey, just some fate sealed w/ your own hot instrument
but clean lines won’t save you (or your family) now
in the whote noise of birch leaves skyward hush is your words:
like i am just playing with you mountain, i am just playing
loops in a voice that isn’t mine or yours
from the inside and to the outside or from outside to within
like the time i told you reading and writing
were beginning to feel the same
like when we both notice but don’t say
that the wind feels like water today
and i try to say it all with offerings
because my words were removed already and so long ago
just in the moment i was born
for you it was different,
for you it was a fight
your hands are still
//
an orange fly with holographic wings mounted to something dead hovers o’er this gravel part still un-wilded like
in glitch time;
i tickle its back with swamp grass
to no avail
i proceed with aggression
predator v. predator
a small pearl, released!
it is you again
sweet one, leaf bug oh shine on you gated altar: a small pink granite stone thin as shell and beneath one fresh black petal
i bend for a more perfect pebble then wind-stroke and you are away
what on earth is any of it for?
//
like i am just playing with you mountain, i am just playing
loops in a voice that isn’t mine or yours
from the inside and to the outside or from outside to within
like the time i told you reading and writing
were beginning to feel the same
like when we both notice but don’t say
that the wind feels like water today
and i try to say it all with offerings
because my words were removed already and so long ago
just in the moment i was born
for you it was different,
for you it was a fight
your hands are still
//
an orange fly with holographic wings mounted to something dead hovers o’er this gravel part still un-wilded like
in glitch time;
i tickle its back with swamp grass
to no avail
i proceed with aggression
predator v. predator
a small pearl, released!
it is you again
sweet one, leaf bug oh shine on you gated altar: a small pink granite stone thin as shell and beneath one fresh black petal
i bend for a more perfect pebble then wind-stroke and you are away
what on earth is any of it for?
//